She’s now here
She’s nowhere
She sees everything
She sees nothing
She worries over every little thing
She doesn’t care about anything
She misses everyone
She misses no one
She craves acceptance
She stongly refuses
She wants them to stay
She pushes them away
She sets her heart for somebody
She sets her heart for no one
Yes, she stuck in between
Akin to live in an oblivion
Photo taken by me.
As a naughty little kid, I used to hate nap time. I often got caught for sneaking out when I supposed to be in bed. Then, my usual loving and caring mother would turn into ‘beast‘ mode.
Amidst my hectic schedules nowdays, I long for nap time earnestly. However, I guess Karma does fancy me a lot. For no matter how eager I yearn to have a short nap time, it won’t favor me.
Now, I miss nap time. Sadly, sleep despises me.
A beautiful lake
With crystal clear water
A girl with red hoodie
Stands on its shore
A heart crumbled upon her feet
Her body screamed pain
A disfigured and broken limb
Were all she saw
Nonetheless
A goddess looking back at her
From the water
Disclaimer: Photo by Lynn
There goes my heart
Beats for every moment we spent
There goes my emotion
Feels a little too much of everything after you left
There goes my brain
Thinks of every plausible way to keep on going without you
There goes my logic
Tells a lie about how everything is fine
There goes my limb
Keeps moving in autopilot mode
Then…
After all those memories that secluded me from the outer world
Everything became blurry since you’re not here
Shattered piece by piece
Torn apart fragment by fragment
Fell down one by one
Left me naked and vulnarable
And…
There goes my heart
Wilt like a withered flower
Disclaimer: The picture is taken by me.
He was a pianist,
A prodigy one
His name was soaring up,
When he was barely nine
His parents were proud and beyond,
He, himself was contented yet still striving farther more
Been all around the world,
More often then his own house
Nonetheless, he has always come back to it,
To his old piano at home
The old piano that holds memories,
Of his beloved grandfather
All the lessons he gave him,
And the time they spent together
The old piano that made him who he is,
And shaped his character
To the old piano,
He will always come back
Always.
“Motherhood is a Mental Illness.”
J.Lo, Hustlers
Some people believe that a woman is complete when she becomes a ‘mother’. Nonetheless, in this modern society, the old beliefs are gradually abandoned. Most women in big cities nowadays prefer career or pursuing their dreams rather than build a family, let alone have children.
But, of course there are women who dedicated their whole life for their children too. Some of them are lucky enough to be a mother by choice, while others by perforce.
I always thought that the strongest person on earth is a mother. Why? Because, a mother could do anything (literally!) for her children. However, a woman who gave birth to a child doesn’t mean she’s ready to be a ‘mother’.
If she doesn’t mentally prepare, then it’s a pity for the child. Because, raising a decent human being is a hella tough job.
It’s even more tougher when the mother has to deal with another family issues such as the displease in-laws, or unsupportive husband, or the unstable family income and so on. Therefore, when a woman becomes a mother, she was bound to be resilient. She can’t be weak, for her children’s sake.
Even in the most harmonious family, a mother can has mental illness. Let alone in a troubled one.
Sometimes, people think that it’s easy to raise children if the family has everything (money, mutual loving spouse, supportive in-laws, stable financial, etc). Still, it’s tough for the parents, the mother especially.
The mother still needs to adapt to an entirely new universe where her world was evolving around her child. Whatever she does, she’ll think about her children wellbeing. Well, a father does too, but it’s a different story.
Because, the bond between the mother and child that has been formed since its still a fetus in the womb is something that a father doesn’t have. Not that the father-child bond wasn’t exist, it’s just different.
Whenever the child was in pain, the mother felt it too, ten folds times greater. And when the child was happy, she’ll be happier and beyond.
And when a woman who wasn’t ready to be a mother suddenly become one, it was like living a nightmare.
People say, if you’re not ready then don’t have one. Use protection. Blah blah blah….
It surely easier said than done.
When one become an unready mother, it’s more than complicated. She has to take care of the pure soul of her child along with her immature self. And that alone, could lead her into devastation.
Some might make it through and become stronger. The others might give up amidst.
And some might make it through and become an abusive parent.
Nobody said it was easy.
It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to feel like quitting. It’s okay to be not okay.
You’re human too.
I know, it’s not a mother day yet. But, I just wanna appreciate all mothers in the world.
You are amazing, mother.
Kadang waktu bergulir maju, tapi tanpa dirimu.
Kadang hidup berputar, tapi kamu tertinggal dibelakang.
Lalu mendadak kamu sadar, bukan salah waktu tak mau menunggu,
bukan salah hidup terus berputar.
Tapi salahmu, berdiri membatu di tengah jalan,
menolak meninggalkan masa lalu – terlalu takut untuk maju.
Bagimu, waktu yang seakan membeku.
Padahal, kamu yang termangu.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Pic from Twitter)First of all, I’d like to thank 2019 for everything that happened throughout the year. For all the tears, the sleepless nights the struggles, the experiences, the pain, the lost, the fun things, the happy moments, the new people I met, thank you for all the journey.
2019 has been a tough year. I feel like I’m barely make it through every single day. It was so hard to kept going instead of the circumstances. I was wasting so much time of my life. I also missed so many chances to expand my capabilities and I lost many good opportunities to “grow” better. I was like, “Damn! When was the time passed?People I know, they already moved forward and achieved so many things in life, whilst I was still here, stuck in between.” It was like time flies without me. I was just an onlooker, watching other people life’s moving forward while mine was glued to the ground.
I could say that, it was the year of my lowest point in life.
But, I survived. I fought and will keep fighting.
In 2020, I’d like to challenge myself to be the better version of me. No more comparing myself to others, no more complaining about “what should have been”, no more excessive anxieties, and no more procrastinating.
Hereby, I welcome the new beginning of my brand new self. I aim to be more confident, more productive, more content with what I have now, more grateful, and worry less.
I know, it’s always easier said than done. Everything might be go wrong, unlike what I’ve hoped for. But, at least, I wanna try. I wanna try to live my life again.
And for you, who’s reading this. If you, whoever you are and by any chance had gone through similar things as I did and still capable of reading this right now, you’re still alive. It means, there’s still a chance to change.
You’re still breathing, start from there. It might be hard, but you can do it. You’re not alone. There are almost 8 billions people around the world. And as the fellow citizen of the earth, we’re in this together.
P.S: If you need a friend to talk, feel free to contact me through the comments or my social media ☺️
Judul : Menjadi Perempuan: Kumpulan Esai
Penulis : Penulis Magdalene
Penerbit : Elexmedia Komputindo
Tahun : 26 Agustus 2018
Tebal : 192 hlm
Dibuka dengan esai tentang pelecehan seksual, kumpulan esai ini menyuarakan hal-hal yang selama ini dianggap tabu dan tidak lazim dibicarakan oleh khalayak umum. Para penulis tidak hanya menyuarakan pemikiran mereka mengenai isu gender, seksualitas, keadilan, hak dan kemanusiaan, serta feminisme, namun juga membagikan pengalaman mereka terkait isu-isu tersebut.
Buku ini dibagi dalam enam subtema yakni, Menjadi Perempuan, Kecantikan dan Citra Tubuh, Politik dan Pergerakan, Agama dan Spiritualitas, Gender dan Seksualitas, serta Relationship. Ditulis dengan gaya yang menarik dan cukup gamblang mengemukakan pendapat mereka.
Saya sebagai seorang perempuan seringkali tidak sadar melontarkan komentar-komentar seksis terhadap sesama perempuan maupun laki-laki. Bahkan tak jarang turut menghakimi sesama perempuan hanya karena dia “berbeda” dengan norma-norma yang saya yakini. Saya juga pernah menjadi “social judge warrior” yang ikut melanggengkan budaya menyalahkan korban pelecehan seksual.
Namun, sejak saya mengikuti perkembangan kasus pelecehan seksual yang dialami oleh Agni-bukan nama sebenarnya, mahasiswi salah satu universitas ternama di Indonesia yang pada akhirnya berakhir dengan “jalan damai”, saya menyadari ada yang salah dengan pola perilaku saya dalam menyikapi berita-berita tentang pelecehan seksual. Selain kasus Agni, kasus yang menimpa eks guru honorer di SMAN 7 Mataram, Nusa Tenggara Barat (NTB), Baiq Nuril Maknun, juga menampar kesadaran saya tentang ketidakadilan yang sering terjadi pada perempuan dan masih dianggap sepele oleh sebagian besar masyarakat kita.
Harapan saya, melalui buku ini, para perempuan bisa belajar untuk tidak cepat menghakimi sesama perempuan, terutama mereka yang menjadi korban pelecahan seksual. Semoga kita bisa menjadi perempuan yang merdeka atas tubuh dan pikiran kita, serta mampu memerdekakan perempuan-perempuan lain.
